Bonus: New Year's Eve 2021

 New Year's Eve 2021



Ever since the beginning of the break, I had thought very little of medicine. Sometimes, I forget that I'm even in medical school. Perhaps it will hit me tomorrow when the new year comes that what I had been typing about this past semester will have more material to base from in future musings. But it's not that I actively tried to forget it, but rather that I was busy with family, helping out with furniture assembly or other duties that I missed out on while I was slaving away in front of a screen, tablet or book. I realize that this may be what fills in the gaps. You know that saying? When you have to fill a bag with rocks and sand, it's best to put the rocks in first so the san can be filled in between. Otherwise, the sand in first would prevent the rocks from fitting inside the bag. 

These little things that fill in the gap– the dining, the driving, the daily mass going with my grandmother– all of them, are moments that will likely keep me going when the going gets tough next semester. For last semester was indeed a self-made struggle. I found myself at times thinking I'm in a cloud of laziness only having the deadline as motivation to study (towards the end of the semester) because of a divide between pleasure and work. Philosophy of medicine was the mean in the middle that I put away thinking it would give me more time to study. Instead I filled that time with a whole lot of nothing: scrolling, empty gaming, youtube bingeing. What I realize is that thinking about last semester in terms of performance leaves little room for the contexts and contours of life to be considered properly. It seems superfluous compared to the raw studying and efficiency in turning the studying over into grade points. But it indeed is everything that surrounds the studying and exams that give it value. 

Human development had made me realize that I had a kind of permissive parenting where I could largely do what I want so long as norms in society (filipino or otherwise) were followed and some boundaries were respected (updating, grades, etc.). With that, the motivation to do well kind of primes me to only be motivated if it is intrinsic. I then value things for its own sake of learning rather than for striving for excellence or other encouraged virtues or habits in an authoritarian/authoritative parenting style. The emphasis for me was really authenticity with a practical twist. 

Principles of management, on the other hand, threw me into a world of using that authenticity to market oneself– to instrumentalize the words, concepts and overall picture of oneself and his perspective into an efficient turnover towards productive gain. Meanwhile the interspersed medical subjects themselves had taught me to value discipline either way because the benefit from persevering isn't just survival but planting the seeds of which will bear fruit if one nurtures it– even if the knowledge has flown over, the structures and sketches will help to take it up again later, especially if given in a new context. 

Before I can dive again back into those friends, teachers, and struggles, I find myself sitting here on this recliner before dinner praying for docility– being capable of being taught. To listen to the urgings of the spirit and discern the kind of life I can live for others especially in this caring profession, even if it doesn't seem so. In the same way, I will also carry out my medical formation in this break, even if it doesn't seem to have anything to do with medicine– caring, love, and observant attention are valuable skills honed in the domestic home. 

Happy new year to you all, and a blessed feast of Mary the mother of God.

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