Semester 1: SOBA (State of the Blog Address) and Final Words for the Semester

State of the Blog Address

I haven't been posting as of late, and I had been intentionally aware of the times that I should have been writing to post on this. But in those 3 Saturday evenings, I decided not to write in favor of doing something else. This was partly due to struggling with sin, partly due to realizing the other thing was a "better use of time". Why? In brief candor it is because it became a tedious exercise. One could surely see this from the shortening length of each blog post, and the lessening enthusiasm of the words written. One thing to be gained from this is that indeed a worthwhile topic to write on cannot be expected to occur by Saturday evening every single week, partly due to busyness, partly due to that reflection needing to take two or even three weeks to flesh out in order to properly write.

The second reason is that I've been less inclined about talking about the program from a point of view that is "disinterested". Surely there is something to beheld about being disinterested. "Consider that God reigns only in the peaceful and disinterested soul", St. John of the Cross advises. This much is true. However, I've gained more interest in the "extra" stuff of the blog such as my essays on "What does it mean to be a medical student?" and "Faith without medicine is dead"; essays from my philosophical and spiritual perspectives that were less about the "ASMPH" experience but more on myself qua ASMPH med student. 

Thus moving forward, I will be writing blog posts centered around medical school themes but not bound to the restrictions on "what happened this week". More is to be said about what didn't happen that week or really the sum total of where I find myself to be at the time of writing. Limitations are good indeed, that much is undoubtable, medical school with an MBA in 5 years already maps out the terms of this blog. There is an expiration date. I want to make more use of my time and use this blog for my own purposes of formation in the doctor that Love wills me to be. 

That being said, I will offer a few words below summarizing my first semester experience.

Final Words for the Semester

"Into Your Hands, I commend my Spirit"  

The past few months offered a cyclical experience. Each module, which lengthened from a short week to a whole month and a half, presented the shifting demands of medical school on the person. When I took the Cell module module (on the longer end lasting weeks), there was a consistent demand upon myself to integrate my learning throughout the length. On the lighter end of the past few weeks (which I didn't write about), there was suddenly a brief reprieve from struggling. Perhaps that's why I didn't feel the need to write about them. Family and Community Health emphasized public health, legal medicine, and family medicine perspectives which were fascinating but many times tedious. Human Development was kind of a refresher of psychology and its short length left a lot to be appreciated (on the fault of the student). 

More cycles abound as well in ASMPH YL5: the MBA subject– principles and management– ended a month earlier with its more semester-like cycle whereas the student-led transing system left many of us in shambles when we're not on top of this calendar. All the hustle and bustle teaches one to focus first on survival. "As long as I pass" is the first defense mechanism. Such a heuristic got to me even if I dislike the accompanying memory loss that occurs after the surge of motivation to pass passes come module's end and a new begins anon. Upon reaching the end of the semester, conscience dictates reflection to see if one has learnt anything. Such a bar is too low. Of course I learnt something. "Medical school is hard" is the bare minimum. 

I'd offer a different question: "how much have I grown?". As is with human development, even if puberty is over and we've hit our "young adult" phase (or perhaps even the extended adolescence period), this leaves the ethical, moral and spiritual development, of which we only get to talk about in our ethics module or first monday masses with striking limitations on the extent of engaging with the already busy schedule. One way I'd look at it is to look at the questioner. What kinds of questions do I ask? As our research classes tell us, our questions (and subsequent objectives) set the boundaries of our inquiry. If left to our own devices, simply getting the MD/MBA is enough of a goal, whatever the medical school may be. But in doing so, one knowingly (at least for a moment) gives up the mantra of the school's vision to make dynamic leaders, outstanding clinicians, and social catalysts. 

Notice how the vision is not to become "dynamic leaders, outstanding clinicians, or social catalysts". The conjunction is and. We are to be formed to be none at all or all three in one– a trinity of emphasis that shapes the program's formation for its students.  How often have I diverged from this goal? How much have I questioned my own worthiness or give alternate explanations or excuses for not living up to these standards? My willful ignorance is to my detriment and to the school's embarrassment. Becoming a medical student does indeed take two entities–the individual and the institution– to make such a pact a joint endeavor. 

Some may call being in medical school a "pain" or a "sacrifice". Too often do we forget its soul. As Ven. Fulton Sheen puts it: "The difference between pain and sacrifice is love. Love is the soul of sacrifice". When we took up the yoke to become medical students, we choose to die to ourselves– to whoever else we could have been– in order to pursue this noble profession. We lose a part of ourselves so that we can gain fulfillment of our desires in our practice in love. As we become doctors more and more, we begin to know medical school not as pain or sacrifice but love itself. And this knowledge is tacit and difficult to describe to a person who's never experienced it before. 

As we slowly tether our narrative of our lives in accordance with the changing flux of module schedules, we must remain acutely aware of what questions we ask in regards to our decisions, and learn from them. I've made plenty of mistakes this semester and at its end, I can identify how I could've done better but not just to do better but also to know better– to be wise. For what is wisdom other than to know the difference. "What is the MD/MBA difference? The public health difference? The transing difference? The YL5 difference?". Keep asking questions and don't just respond but write better questions, come up with more explanations and don't be afraid of messing up. School seems to be the place pars excellance for such thing to occur, especially in medical school. 

One thing I'll take with me is to definitely take a break when given the opportunity. The other is that every moment of our lives from when medical school started up, or to the end of our lives, including non medical activities– are also a part of our formation. We become what we do, and so I strive to put a better standard upon myself even in this break leading up to the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior, who taught us that "there is no greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends". We must befriend our patients and lay down our lives for them for the sake of the grace of healing to flow in the space between the relationship. May God bless us all, grant us a restful night, and a peaceful death. Amen.